Ain't nobody got time for that
by Zwiwanata
Summary: "I know, thank you for not fighting magic Hitler while pregnant." part one of my series Bubble and Boil


Mors L. Caleum was considered by the majority of the people who knew him to be a coward with a pathological aversion to people, but generally a decent man. So it came as no surprise to hear that he and his new wife had apparently been killed by Death Eaters for refusing to join them. The wife was the only surprising bit.

Mors was not very well known in Britain, quietness is not cowardice.

It surprised them quite a bit more when they came back on the heels of a multi-national task force sent by the International Council of Wizardry to take care of Britons Dark Lord problem before he reveled the wizarding world to the non magical one.

In all of the chaos of the ICWs WarMage Division arresting a good chunk of the government for every thing from terrorism to vigilantism, slapping Hogwarts with sanctions for not keeping to international education standards, and suppressing general panic, few people noticed the Caleums, with three new additions returning to the family estate.

Mors had no time for pointless wars over even more pointless reasons, and was much to busy for it anyway.

His wife Ieola had just given him twin girls: Regina and Ardynt, his estranged father had up and died leaving him with a four year old brother he hadn't known about, his college semester started in two months, and he might be developing an allergy to Pepper Up potions.

"You are the only reason this year has been worth bothering with." Mors mumbled, wrapped around his wife from behind, gazing besottedly at the two babies in the crib in front of them.

"Do you mean me or the children, husband?"

"It was all inclusive, but really, thank you for being so sensible I know you wanted to fight Riddle."

"Of course I did his minions broke my favorite staff, I could have taken him."

"I know, thank you for not fighting magic Hitler while pregnant."

"He's evil enough to be Hitler but he could barely take over a country that was practically ripe for picking, the incompetent numpty."

"Do you want the country? I'll help if you want."

"What? No the paperwork would take to much time from my Olympic dueling training, coach thinks I'll have a shot at the next one."

"Remind me to higher one of your cousins, will you? I'll need the help with a couple two year olds and a six year old when we come watch you win."

"Flatterer."

Mors met Ieola Aldercapt the summer before his seventh year, at the International Dueling Qualifiers, 17-20 division. After being teamed up during the Round Robin, she kicked his ass thoroughly in the Singles, winning the entire thing.

Her sword under his chin with his wand in her other hand, he said the only thing he could:

"I surrender. The Damascus Clan is having a sword auction next week, do you want to go with me?"

"...I already have a ticket but you can buy me dinner before we go."

"WHAT GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP FOLKS, WE WILL HAVE TO INTERVIEW ALDERCAPT ABOUT HER DATE NEXT MONTH AT THE WIZARDING WORLD DUELING TOURNAMENT! MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN!"

The commentator was lucky that violence outside the ring would get Ieola disqualified, but that did not save him from the IRS later that year. Mors knows the way to her heart.

Mors was That Ravenclaw, you know the one who misses graduation because they skipped out right after finishing the NEWTs.

Except he was eloping not being arrested for Things Not Meant For Man. They only eloped because they wanted to be married before competing in the invitation only, once every ten years World Gladiator Tournament.

He hadn't spoken to his father since before his fifth year and had no memories of his mother.

The majority of her family (over two hundred people) was there to either participate in the tournament, or to watch, so they had an impromptu party with over three hundred thousand people who were also there for the tournament.

"You two do know I'm hear to make sure every one has a will, not to file marriage certificates, right?"

"This is Vegas and you are dressed like Spock."

"It goes to the same place as our wills, and we already did the magic bits we just need you to file it."

"Well alright, but you have to pay the fee I usually charge for that service."

"Done."

The crowd behind them burst into cheers, causing them to spin around in shock. Apparently one of the multitude of Aldercapts had hijacked one of the Jumbo-trons and had been broadcasting it though the stadium. It very quickly spiraled into a giant party, and to be invited to the Abyssal Arena required an outrageous cover charge so the ad hock wedding reception was well catered.

They had signed up as a team so they blitzed through the rankings right up until the third of the six scheduled months, when they were in the middle of a mock navel battle and one of the medics on their team discovered Ieola was three weeks pregnant.

They won that battle but withdrew after, Mors because he was more panicky about it than she was.

They did stay to watch her great grandmother Gertrude win the whole tournament in a dramatic three day battle against her arch rival, Ieolas other great grandmother Tiffany. Mors is suitably terrified of his wife's' family.

By the time they made it back to Britain Ieola was eight months pregnant, and not happy about it. So when a bunch of idiots in bad Halloween costumes broke into the house three weeks later she was ready to pop AND to throw down.

The Death Eaters very quickly regretted thinking the hugely pregnant redhead was easy pickings, before everything went dark.

"Those Fuckwits broke my...well fuck."

"Wait did they hit you?!"

"Pff no but my water just broke."

"What! Oh god what do I do."

"Well first you tie these assholes up, then go get dressed, while I get my shoes. Then you are going to make Director Asmodeusus' day while I go to Emily's house so she can be my midwife."

"Emily? Our teammate from...oh right can't trust anyone in Britain. Right I will meet you there. I'm going to fake our deaths real quick too I don't think anyone will look too closely..."

Ieola smiled to her self as she wandered off reset the special pregnancy safe portkey, her husband was so adorable.

Director Eric Asmodeus WarMage Crises Response Coordinator, European Branch, nearly blasted Mors Caelum through a wall when he banged the office door open at three in the morning and dropped six stuffed dolls on his desk.

"What The Fuck Caelum. Its Three in the Gods damned morning why are you throwing toys at me?"

"Well for one you should get more sleep, and two these are the bright lights that decided to break in to the house of an ICW contract bound researcher and a WarMage reservist."

"...You live in Britain. This is the in we need to-"

"Yes, yes I'm officially handing this to you, send the paper work over to Emily Tatopolis' house my wife is in labor by." *door slams*

By the time the Director showed up two days later the twins had been born and Ieolas' parents had arrived along with all three of her siblings.

He showed up with a tiny four year old on his hip.

"Ieola good to see, you look well. Are these your twins then, I see one of them will be a redhead like you."

"You are Terrible at small talk. Everybody except Mors out hes' obviously got bad news."

He waits until everybody is gone and tuns to Mors.

"I'm sorry to inform you that your father died yesterday morning, which is why it took me so long to get hear. This is your little brother Somnus, you are his only living relative."

"Oh...well hello little man did Dad tell you about me?" a small nod and small arms reaching out.

Watching her husband get to know her surprise brother-in-law she quietly asked "Why did they come to you Director?"

"He faked your deaths and I am Mors's only other emergency contact, besides you."

Nodding slightly she pulled him further into the room.

"Come meet your goddaughters."

"My god...Oh really? I'm horned."

"Good you can take your Oaths when the rest of my family gets hear for the Claiming."

Three months later when the Caelums returned to Britain, Somnus went with them.


End file.
